

The Darth Vader joystick figure strikes a pretty mean pose – nearly a B-Boy stance. Like few other games on this list, this handheld Star Wars game has the benefit of a cool-looking exterior, which stands in stark contrast to its dilapidated gameplay. The sad truth is like an iron-buster to the heart. How many children were crushed on birthdays when, after asking for the NES version of Mega Man 3, unwrapped this dubious imitation? Furthermore, how many well-meaning grandparents are currently rotting in third-rate retirement homes because of the resentment such gifts fostered? Try not to think too much about it. Unfortunately, none of the fun translated into this atrocious 2-D buzzkill. All kidding aside, the Star Brigade toyline was pretty cool.

Finally, since sound cannot exist in the vacuum of space, Snake Eye’s trademark silence is completely spoiled when nobody can hear a thing in the first place. Secondly, Joe‘s colorful cast all but loses its personality when adorned in bulky space suits. Joe: A Real American Hero shot lasers in the first place.

It may seem obvious in retrospect, but it takes the Prince of Thieves himself to prove that Tiger’s handheld games fail not only at graphics and gameplay, but also at music. Furthermore, it’s ghastly to consider a loveless romp on a magic carpet sans “A Whole New World” to explain Aladdin and Jasmine’s mutual affection. Without his tortured musings, Agrabah’s lovable pickpocket is just another thief lying to get under a princess’ veil. Games based on musicals feel empty without at least some of the source materials’ jazzy tunes to bolster the action.
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Really, would it have killed Tiger to include some dino-destroyage (like in the far superior JP games on Sega Geneis and Super Nintendo)?Ĭhallenging players to master “five levels of skill,” the Batman Returns game’s only notable trait (other than being terrible) is that it cashed in on what was perhaps the last movie anyone saw with Michael Keeton in it. Remember how suspenseful it was to watch Jurassic Park for the first time? The earth-shaking approach of the monstrous T-Rex? Those damn velociraptors opening doors? The acid-spitting dilophosaurus wrecking Wayne Knight’s complexion? This game echoes some of those events minus the tension that made them meaningful, so hopefully everyone is down for a joyless thirty minutes of running and hiding, followed by the crushing disappointment at having done so. All those smashed mailboxes around the neighborhood? That’s not youthful mischief. The problem is, like most all Tiger handheld games, the gameplay in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers is so cumbersome that the children who experienced it probably chose to unleash their rage in a less constructive, more painful fashion. Fulfilling power fantasies by crushing monsters is a debatably healthy way to channel feelings of frustration into harmless fun. Violence isn’t an acceptable way to handle conflict in real life, but it’s all well and good in the escapist world of video games. It’s a fitting punishment, for the following games aren’t merely bad the fact that Tiger converted intellectual property gold into solid game crap is a genuine alchemical outrage. Today these handhelds serve as a kind of video game bottom-feeder, collecting dust at garage sales in penance for crushing hopes and deflating expectations across gamedom. But there’s only so much fun to be had playing electronic bowling, and thus the technology was pushed beyond its usefulness, adapted to mimic fluid, pixel-based consoles to the point of embarrassment in the name of cashing in on popular entertainment licenses. Depending on pre-formed darkened shapes, any game that involved simple projectiles hitting targets was a reasonable way to kill an hour if there was nothing good on TV.

LCD video game technology had its uses, after all. There was a time before Gameboy when the novelty of a “handheld” game was so alluring that tykes were willing to accept less-than-stellar electronic offerings.
